近几天，有个问题一直在脑中盘旋着：
这世上，到底什么东西是属于自己的？
连一段爱情，都并不完全属于自己。
因为感情终究是需要两个人一起去培养、灌溉的。

但是知识是属于自己的。
The skills and knowledge that I picked up. My reflections on daily living. My values and principles. Philosophy towards life. All of these things belong solely to myself. I can utilize them and become a better person.

Yeah, a better person void of vulnerable emotions.
I am not going to be cold. I just don’t want to trust.
Being the easily impressed and moved person that I am, I will continue to feel the beauty of nature, the sadness of tragedy, the anger at unfair treatment, the excitement of being starstruck.
But I will not serve myself in a platter for someone to hurt me.

Call me a coward. I simply cannot face up to emotions when it involves another person.
I don’t want to be trapped in such vulnerable circumstances.
It’s almost like parading around naked. Openly inviting anyone to come into my heart, let them mess it up and leave without consequences. It happened before, and I struggled terribly to let it go. It was painful, I felt pathetic and my heart did not belong to myself. It was constantly at war with my brain. I was torn, and it wasn’t even a real relationship.

I will not allow that anymore. No way in hell.

I don’t want something irrational or unreliable.
It hurts too much when I have to deal with something that I cannot control.
Love can be blissful and fun, but not all the time.
Just consider the risk of getting my heart broken into pieces.
(I will never recover from it.)
How could I - even for one second - think the unfathomable for myself?

我需要安全感。
如果有人能给我安全感，我会把整颗心交给他。
我可以是世界上最服从最听话的情人。
不过１００％的安全感．．．　
找到这样的人的机率有多大？
我放弃了，好不？我不敢去奢望，去妄想。

There are expectations in a relationship.
I do not want to expect things from anyone.
Expecting things involves trust.
Why should I trust someone when it comes at the price of occasional disappointment? What do I get out of it?
I will never learn to love.
It is a stake, a gamble. It involves taking a chance.
A chance in believing that you can entrust your life to someone else besides yourself.

But no. I simply cannot afford to pay for it should it fail to work out at the end.
I would rather spare myself the misery right from the start.

所以，不。我不陷入这烫滚水。
心房的门，仍旧是紧紧闭上的。